I thought I would write this one after feeling less than Stella about my situation. So as a step-parent there are a few things you need to get used to, one being that you will always come second best. That sounds brutal but yeah, you read that right: you will always be second best to the child and the biological parent. You like to think that you can step up and be equal but you won’t be. Their needs will always be put first and you either get in line, or you have to pick up your balls and move on. This sounds entirely selfish like “boo hoo what about me,” but yeah, what about you!?
This is a difficult one because either A) baby daddy has nothing or little to do with their child (of their own volition, if the ex forces parental alienation that is different) in which case you really need to look at them like what the heck kind of person actually are they to desert their child, or b) they put their child’s needs first, which OF COURSE they should! But yeah, again, where does that leave you!?
I’ve recently had a situation happen upon me by which has left me feeling completely invisible like I do not matter at all. Actually, to be honest, it’s not the first time I have felt like this and highly doubt it’ll be the last. Often your needs are pushed by the wayside and it is just something you have to deal with. It’s not fair, it’s not nice, and it certainly doesn’t feel good. All the talk of “co-parent,” and whatnot, and the talks your partner will always have to have with their ex rather than you, you may not even have anything at all to do with it or about it, once again leaving you feeling like you’re completely invisible. Yet, you will be called upon for different things, and to step up in your “step-parent” role, invisible or not. Convenient babysitter much? 😕.
I have, over the months, had deep conversations with my best friend and various other friends who are in a similar situation and while all of us say we care for, love and enjoy spending time with our stepkids, all of us say if we were to be single again we would absolutely 100% never date someone with kids again. Why? because the emotional tax is honestly great, you will be giving up a lot, you will go through a lot, and at the end of the day that kid(s) actually isn’t yours and whether you care to admit it or not, but your life will be that much more difficult, made worse still if there is a difficult ex to work around.
Where am I going with all this? You need to feel valued, you need to feel visible, you need to have YOUR own needs met. Yes, there is a child and their needs and development to factor in, but, you can’t live your life forever in the back seat, all that will do is lead to resentment and feelings of poor self-worth.
