My first foray into the world of parenting came in the form of step-parenting. Now, as anyone who knows me would attest; I have never been particularly interested in having my own children (much more content with helping you with yours 😇), so this whole situation came as a huge shock to the system. Having met my partner under not quite the usual circumstances, initially, I was thinking “yeah, this is fine, it’s not serious, I don’t have to have much to do with the kid,” but after a couple of months of the relationship developing in a very unexpected direction, I am left stepping into the role of step-parent to a three-year-old who has more energy than I’ve possessed in the last 10 years and a mum that is more baggage that I’m allowed to check on an international flight.
That’s right, what you don’t account for with the whole step-parent role (or maybe I am just naive) is that that little person comes attached to an 18-year-plus contract complete with a usually hostile ex.* So when all this became apparent I was going to be having a lot more to do with said child than I prepared for, I started asking myself questions and having deep concerns about my ability to deal with the actual day-to-day coping ability of what this little person would mean in my life.
Nobody tells you the emotional toll it will take on you, the continual barrage of either outright abuse, sometimes physical (thankfully that isn’t my situation), but mental drain the situation can be. Whether you like it or not, if you want that relationship to work you have to start getting up close and personal with your deep thoughts about parenting and figure out if you can actually step up because that little person’s life is being shaped; their thoughts, morals, values, how they perceive things, yep even your relationship with baby daddy will shape their future! I grew up in a household whereby my parents barely even acknowledged each other’s existence, and whilst this isn’t my child, I certainly didn’t want to be part of shaping little one’s damaged perception of what a healthy relationship should be.
What has all this meant? well, I’ve had to come to terms with my weekends being interrupted, my future holidays being dictated around shared custody, and don’t even get me started with the legal whatnot you will go through, and all this has just begun. I am fortunate enough to have a close friend in similar circumstances so we have been able to vent and try figure things out. However, I can tell you now, you will go into this situation with complete naivety, quickly realise you’re not only in the deep end and you will either sink or swim, BUT, you’ve been thrown in without even a floatie to help. That’s right, life can no longer be about you anymore! No, it’s not the same as having your own kids (well, so I imagine) but you simply cannot be selfish and think you can live your life in isolation from the child because if you have any care for your partner or relationship developing, it’s just not about you anymore.
If you’ve stumbled across this page and found yourself faced with step parenthood, take some time to yourself and really ask yourself “can I do this, can I commit to this,” “do I even want to do this,” because remember, you are (whether you like it or not) going to be involved with this kid(s) and it is just not right to think you can shut them out and live your life with no fallout.
Now, what is the best way to navigate this? So far, in my limited experience, I would say communicate with your partner about what do they want or expect from you? Support! I have needed to provide huge amounts of emotional support and backing for my partner. He has been put through the wringer trying to get custody of his little one, there has been tears, stress, ruined dates, sleepless nights and you have to be prepared for this. What are you communicating about may you ask? Do you have the same parenting style! Is your partner ok with you (and hopefully WANTS this) stepping into the role of a parent and all that entails (yes there has been baking, swim school, and I am sure tantrums and time out are right around the corner).
What are my thoughts so far? well, other than the initial terror, I have found I actually do somewhat have that maternal side (ok, I’m sure it’s developing). I have found I have enjoyed the weekends with little one over, discussing with my partner goals we would like to achieve, shopping to decorate little one’s room (yeah that’s another thing, gone is your guest bedroom, it’s now the kids’ room!). I have got to share with him some small parenting wins when little one was proud about something. I know that it most definitely won’t be easy and depending on the age of said little one when you come into their lives, each age will come with its own challenges. What are my hopes, well I have come to accept my life for as long as I am with my partner (and I have decided that yes, I am in it for the long haul) I want little one to just grow up with me as a prominent feature in their life? No, I won’t ever be their “mum,” but when they are old enough to make that decision on what they want to call me and have had me in their life for the majority of their life, will I freak out if they want to call me mum also, no. I will always do things to support their natural parent, be it take them shopping and help them buy Mother’s Day cards/gifts for their mum, yep sure. I hope that eventually, in time, the ex will come to accept and be respectful toward me and understand that no, I am not trying to steal their limelight as “mum” but I am another person who loves, supports and has been there for their child.
It all sounds shiny and glowy from here, and there is a long way to go, watch this space for more details in the life of a step mum and follow my journey.
* This is my experience and may be completely unrelatable
